trapped in an mcescher drawing

i haven't blogged much lately because i have felt so frustrated. honestly, i didn't know where or how to begin. in talking with my therapist, i realized that maybe my frustration is really anger. what am i angry about? i am angry about what happened to my city. i am angry people don't understand the pain or devastation the storm caused. i am angry the government failed us and caused this mess to begin with. i am angry so many things have happened that have been way out of my control. i am sick of my back hurting due to stress. i am tired of dandruff. i am sick of not knowing what to do. i am tired of moving. 6 times in 1 year is way too much. i am sick of looking for jobs and driving to austin. i am beginning to feel like looking for a job is like trying to use an exercise bike for transportation.

i am sick of my house being on the market and not selling. it has been 3.5 months now. i found out my realtor has been slipping on things and this is even more frustrating. the last thing i want to do is deal with trying to sell our house or renting it out again.

i keep finding myself looking longingly at stupid things. one day i spent hours looking at people on myspace. if they looked happy, why were they happy? if they were sad, why? i wonder what happiness and simple life is like. i miss those times and even long for them a bit. i look at creative pictures and i wish i felt inspired... about anything. the only thing i have felt inspired at all about lately has been vespa's. i spent hours yesterday pouring over classified ad's looking at them. is it the idea of feeling free on a vespa... liberated from the masses... free from the gas pump... a little unsafe but alive in the elements. i put a bid in on one but then i thought, what the fuck am i going to do with a vespa in dallas? people in dallas all drive bmw's or suv's and regularly challenge my life on my bike or in my car. they are complete assholes on the road. so why a vespa? it represents the place i want to be. i want it for either a life in austin, new orleans, or some place free like that. i long for this.

i have been trying to be upbeat and think positive thoughts about my environment and to notice the pretty birds outside but i today has been a bad day. the weather was dreary and i have felt down. i finished my midterm but i have a lot of work to do for school. the one upbeat thing was going to the vespa dealer in town. in true dallas style, the vespa dealership is on a very busy thoroughfare and you can't test drive the vespa's. how stupid. who buys a car without test driving one first? the vespa only dealership in dallas was bought by "university scooter" because dallas doesn't get it. honestly, dallas isn't a place i would want to drive a scooter anyway but it still angers me. what a pisser.

i should have known better than to even go to vespa in dallas. when it and austin vespa, the difference was night and day. the dallas people were busy, impolite, and vain. I have no idea why. the austin dealership guy was so damn cool. this guy spent 30 minutes on the phone with me and told me about other scooter brands i might want to check out too and other used dealers in town. he was so nice he even told me to call back if i found out anything he didn't know. i completely felt like i couuld go over to this dealership, smoke a bowl/ drink a beer, and just hang out with this guy. it was really nice.

the one good thing is that it keeps pushing me to get the hell out of dallas. i am trying to be positive but i really am not happy here, nothing against dallas, but i don't like dallas. there are a few things i like about it, but it is not enough to stay. you know?
(photo credit: Brett Calzada 504destruct.com)