peeing on the floor

as i let my dogs out (two amazing pomeranians), i realized how good they had been lately. the one thing i am not proud of is that i have sometimes let my aggravation or anger be vented towards my dogs. by that i mean... jasper would urinate somewhere in the house, i would get aggravated by having to clean it up, and i would swat his bottom and he would go hide. this did not happen very often because i would realize it was not his fault. he has a small bladder and can't seem to help it. sometimes though, i would allow it to get the best of me and i would yell at him. generally it was because of stress about work or my personal life. regardless, i am not proud of this. it surprised me to notice our other dog would cower as if he were in trouble. sometimes i would yell at him too. i realized my anger was not understood by them and i was allowing stress to flood into other areas of my life.

the whole thing caused me to pause and reflect. what was i doing that was helpful here? i was allowing something to go unaddressed which was causing other problems. it is so easy to cope by yelling or getting angry. it is more of a challenge to deal with the situation. for the last 4 weeks, since we have been travelling all over, jasper (the one with the bladder problem) been amazing. he seems to have associated guilt with peeing and now we have not been so stressed and letting him out every 3 hours, he is doing well. we have been under incredible stress lately and i was not sure why i have been so different. the thing i realized is i have been dealing with the things that have been causing me aggravation head on. i have been correctly channeling my emotions and resolving them.

fragile, vulnerable, and defensive

as i have been talking with friends, i keep running in to recurrent themes of discussions turning in to arguements. by this, i do not mean to say i am arguing with them but friends are arguing among one another. i have even felt defensive at times and reflected why i am feeling that way. the common thread i am finding within this is that everyone is frustrated and trying their best to pull together a vision. due to all of our worlds being somewhat turned upside down, it is really painful right now to have someone present a differing vision.

rebuilding

as i drove into the city i could not believe the damage. not everything had been destroyed but it was like the whole city had been in a car wreck. it was eerie not to see people about. later, as i was on my roof hammering boards back in to place, i heard what seemed to be others hammering. then i realized it was just my hammering echoing off in the distance. i could hear nothing else. occassionally a chopper would pass or a humvee, but that was it. the whole experience made me realize just how alone we really were.

letter from afar

New Orleans is still the talk of the town, of the world, but I have stopped paying so much attention, because even here in Spain the blame game is in full swing. People here are overwhelmingly anti-Bush, so they are really using the disaster in New Orleans as an example of Bush's racism, arrogance, whatever. I sort of feel disgusted by all the blaming, especially because before Katrina most Spaniards didn't even know where NOLA was. Last night we were wathcing a sort of news program with six people (pundits) sitting at a table arguing about New Orleans, Bush, etc. The questions they posed were these:
1. Did Bush want black people to die?
2. Did the US's production of CO and other toxins lead to this disaster?
3. Is New Orleans cursed? Was the storm the result of all of the voodoo, vampires, and shady strip clubs on Bourbon Street?

Needless to say, Vero and I wanted to throw the TV out the window.

I have one really sort of selfish care about Katrina and New Orleans. Five years ago I began a novel about four characters. When we Vero and I moved to New Orleans, the characters sort of fit in there...so for 3 1/2 years, in NOLA, I wrote of their exploits there. After awhile, the city itself took on greater significance in the novel, and by the time we left NOLA, NOLA was something of a deity in the novel...no, not deity, but like a benign yet passive...well, the elements of water in the city, of condensation, of haze turning into fog, turing into drizzle, turning into rain, into a storm..

Sorry, I am really not a word-smith today. I'll try again another day. What I am trying to say is that I have written so much about the HAZINESS of life there, about ambiguity and humidity, and about the regenerative power of water, but now I don't know what to do. Proceed as planned? Revise in the face of Katrina? It's really selfish of me to even be worried about this...but....

reponse from yalom

thanks much for your intimate and generous note - i hope you do go on to get your doctorate and begin to write in earnest. Judging as best i can from your letter, you have the heart, intelligence, and talent to fulfill your dream - my best wishes to you - irvin yalom

letter to my mentor

At 12:11 PM 9/1/2005, you wrote:
Dr. Yalom,
I am writing because you have been such an inspiration in my life. I have read several of your books... seen some of your tapes... and had owned and planned on reading even more of your books prior to the hurricane. I am/was a Masters in Counseling student at Loyola University. As I sit here with opened suitcase, I am looking down at Love's Executioner along with a selection of hastily packed clothes. I only had a few hours to grab the things that meant most to me and to help board my house as well as my parents house. It is such a strange phenomena to go through this because even though you prepare for the worst, emotionally you don't expect it.

As I look down at Love's Executioner, I think about the pain your patients have felt and how your gifts helped them to help themselves. My world, like many around me, feels like it has been put through a physical and emotional cheese grater. My fiance', family, and friends have all been reacting in a myriad of ways. Many have been crying... some are frozen... others are anxiously trying to rebuild. As I grieve and analyze our next move, I am reminded me of why I got into the profession to begin with... to help others deal with pain to help ease suffering. This is the same pain I am feeling and sorting through. I am reminded of the way you described pain as a wound and how important it is to analyze that wound to be able to let it heal. I am trudging through that point myself and I know it will take time. Everyone around me is struggling to do the same. I know everything will end up okay... I will still get married to the woman I love... our families made it through okay with some amazing stories of goodwill... my friends all seem to be safe and helping one another... I will finish my masters program somewhere... my things will be replaced... and yet everything will be different. Getting to the point where you can truly accept that change is painful.

I am applying to schools in the region as we speak and looking for new housing. If I am able to find housing in the region, I plan to volunteer with red cross to help those affected come to terms with their own wounds. I hope to get into a Phd program one day and work on my writing so I may be able to help others as you have. You have been a mentor to me and I thank you for that. Your words and stories have been a wonderful gift that I can't thank you enough for. One of my closest friends, Bill Rosenbaum, who I pray is okay, had dinner with you one night and said it was one of the greatest moments in his life. You have an amazing gift. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Billy

I forgot how hard starting over can be. Moving from Austin has been nothing if not painful. I don’t know whether it is the circumstances surrounding the move (hurricane) or the fact that moving is a lonely venture. I guess it is one of those things where you are digging deeper and anytime you dig deeper, there is darkness and that is scary. You begin searching for the familiar and are enveloped by a sense of loss. What is it that makes this so bad? Is it the loss of control one feels? Why do I feel this way now? I am in control of myself and my destiny. Sure my plans took a curve and I don’t know many people here but I am still in control of my own destiny. I guess it is the feeling of everything being strange. I guess I like new things mixed with the familiar. The loss of everything familiar is certainly saddening.

I guess I am struggling to make sense of change. Maybe sometimes there is so sense to make of change. I guess as meaning seeking creatures, this is a tough reality. The meaning may be one of meaninglessness. How do you make sense of the death? I guess it is hard to be hopeful if everything has no meaning.