milkweed shortage

when you are in nola, you realize you are truly in a different place than pre-k nola. there are a bunch of new cars. home depot is always having it's "busiest day of the year". you regularly see/hear people on their cell phones talking about ptsd or how they have changed since the storm. people get a lot of flats driving around town from nails or from the increased number of potholes. there are lines everywhere you go.

i did notice one of the nice things the last time i was in though. if you want to get milkweed, you can't... it is sold out. everyone wants milkweed for the same reason... monarch butterflies lay eggs there and grow there. as a kid i used to plant milkweed to grow butterflies. since the storm hit, people have become enamored with things like butterflies. with all of the stresses of daily life, the job market, friends moving away, devastation, insurance company pigs, etc... it is so nice to see something so simple as a butterfly fluttering around.

i was standing outside at home depot waiting in a line when a monarch floated by. everyone was captivated with how easily he floated on the breeze and fluttered here and there. do we all long for that ease/freedom in life?

Fireflies

a friend of mine was describing his frustration with his car dealership. he recently was in a small wreck and his bumper and hood needed to be replaced as a result. the dealership called him and said it would be ready this weekend. it wasn't ready and they didn't call him to let him know. his whole plans were thrown off. they said it would be ready on monday but then it wasn't ready monday and they promised it tuesday. i realized that the past 7 months since the storm hit have felt that way to us. we keep waiting for news to move on with our lives and not only does it not come, but more bad news has come... death, burglary, fibromyalgia, sleep problems, landlord threatening to sue about breaking austin lease, house not selling, no hot water, no heater, no a/c, roof leaking, bad drivers, etc.

yes, now everything except for the sale of our house and jobs in austin has been taken care of. we have met people in dallas which has made things easier for me but not my fiance'. she doesn't want to connect to anyone if we are planning on leaving. she has a hard time accepting change though. this reminded me of the dali lama talking about pain and suffering in life. the way he described attitudes towards hate (our attitude towards dallas) was one of little reward. he said, if you have a neighbor who you hate and you spend all your time filled with anger, this will only make your hair turn grey, your insides turn acidic, and die at an early age. what is the point of all of this displeasure? you could go about your day and be positive to your neighbor and it will likely be him who is miserable by your pleasure and happiness.

this brings me to where i am today. i came home the other night and saw a flash of something... a firefly or lightening bug, depending on where you are from. i talked to my neighbor and found out they are common in spring here. i have not seen them since i was a child and on a trip in arkansas. i looked at them now with the same fascination as i did then. my fiance' and i sat outside and had a glass of wine mesmerized as they float and flash, here and there. their dance was so carefree and almost magical. it reminded me of seeing a shooting star but this was more personal due to memories and this was so close. i realized just how much i needed this and i suddenly felt as if i had been freed a bit too... or maybe it the light of hope, lauched from across a field.

trapped in an mcescher drawing

i haven't blogged much lately because i have felt so frustrated. honestly, i didn't know where or how to begin. in talking with my therapist, i realized that maybe my frustration is really anger. what am i angry about? i am angry about what happened to my city. i am angry people don't understand the pain or devastation the storm caused. i am angry the government failed us and caused this mess to begin with. i am angry so many things have happened that have been way out of my control. i am sick of my back hurting due to stress. i am tired of dandruff. i am sick of not knowing what to do. i am tired of moving. 6 times in 1 year is way too much. i am sick of looking for jobs and driving to austin. i am beginning to feel like looking for a job is like trying to use an exercise bike for transportation.

i am sick of my house being on the market and not selling. it has been 3.5 months now. i found out my realtor has been slipping on things and this is even more frustrating. the last thing i want to do is deal with trying to sell our house or renting it out again.

i keep finding myself looking longingly at stupid things. one day i spent hours looking at people on myspace. if they looked happy, why were they happy? if they were sad, why? i wonder what happiness and simple life is like. i miss those times and even long for them a bit. i look at creative pictures and i wish i felt inspired... about anything. the only thing i have felt inspired at all about lately has been vespa's. i spent hours yesterday pouring over classified ad's looking at them. is it the idea of feeling free on a vespa... liberated from the masses... free from the gas pump... a little unsafe but alive in the elements. i put a bid in on one but then i thought, what the fuck am i going to do with a vespa in dallas? people in dallas all drive bmw's or suv's and regularly challenge my life on my bike or in my car. they are complete assholes on the road. so why a vespa? it represents the place i want to be. i want it for either a life in austin, new orleans, or some place free like that. i long for this.

i have been trying to be upbeat and think positive thoughts about my environment and to notice the pretty birds outside but i today has been a bad day. the weather was dreary and i have felt down. i finished my midterm but i have a lot of work to do for school. the one upbeat thing was going to the vespa dealer in town. in true dallas style, the vespa dealership is on a very busy thoroughfare and you can't test drive the vespa's. how stupid. who buys a car without test driving one first? the vespa only dealership in dallas was bought by "university scooter" because dallas doesn't get it. honestly, dallas isn't a place i would want to drive a scooter anyway but it still angers me. what a pisser.

i should have known better than to even go to vespa in dallas. when it and austin vespa, the difference was night and day. the dallas people were busy, impolite, and vain. I have no idea why. the austin dealership guy was so damn cool. this guy spent 30 minutes on the phone with me and told me about other scooter brands i might want to check out too and other used dealers in town. he was so nice he even told me to call back if i found out anything he didn't know. i completely felt like i couuld go over to this dealership, smoke a bowl/ drink a beer, and just hang out with this guy. it was really nice.

the one good thing is that it keeps pushing me to get the hell out of dallas. i am trying to be positive but i really am not happy here, nothing against dallas, but i don't like dallas. there are a few things i like about it, but it is not enough to stay. you know?
(photo credit: Brett Calzada 504destruct.com)

Check out my delicious

I have spent a good deal of time updating my delicious lately:

http://del.icio.us/openconscious

warning, you are now running on reserve power

we went to nola this past weekend and while it was wonderful to be among the walking wounded, it was also crazy. you see a myriad of reactions from people. some people have bought the new car they always wanted, others are limping along. the picture is the same, all the people there need to be nurtured. i will write more later as i am exhausted now working on midterms.

That's me too!

I open my door several times daily to walk the dogs. Many days, it seemed like the sun was never out. Maybe it was all the unexpected cold weather or maybe it was the storm still looming but everything felt far away and blurry. Recently, walks have become more engaging.

As i walked our dogs tonight, I noticed things that I felt a kindred spirit with. Nothing is really special or unique to where i am but tonight, I perceive them differently. As I am walking down the street, the sidewalk ends. Our dogs are pomeranians which are not really "offroad dogs", were thrown by this. As I stopped and looked at this, I felt a kindred spirit. I can't tell you how many times I have felt the same way as the dogs lately... what to do when the sidewalk ends?

So we venture into the street as I notice a street light that blinks on and off from above. It is funny how you notice things like this but just don't think about them when they have no relevance. However, this event got me thinking, I can relate to this too! Lately I have good days where I blink on and bad days where I am mostly off. To the casual observer, this street light is worthless, but to me it's a reminder that things aren't perfect and that has been my life lately.

As we venture further I see a dog that is behind a big fence and barks fiercely at us as we approach. The tail of the dog is licking the back of his legs as he cowers from the approaching strangers. Ordinarily I would have passed him by to expediate our walk but I decided to say hello. It turns out she was just a sweet little puppy that just didn't know who we were. She stopped barking and started wagging her tail and licking my outstretched hand through the fence. I can't tell you how many times lately I too have longed for someone to treat me with random kindness and understanding. The absence has been painful.

As I turn to walk back home, I hear the wail of sirens in the distance. Sirens are a constant reminder of the chaos that looms so close to all of us. It is strange to think of my life after the sirens, choppers, flooding, etc. As I look up, I notice the upcoming street sign is for Rainey Street. How appropriate.

Mental Health and Interesting Links

I have started using del.icio.us to track links to interesting news which relates to what I write about. You can check out the link below for more info.

http://del.icio.us/openconscious

welcome to dallas

may i break your window and kindly remove all your belongings?

Pain in my... Katrina

I wake up roll over and ask the question that begins almost ever day since the storm. "How do did you sleep" I ask my fiance'. Every night as we fall asleep, the events surrounding the trauma/anxiety of the last 6 months starts playing again. It is kind of like the movie Groundhog's Day where Bill Murray is forced to live the same day over and over. The only difference being the dreams all are filled with anxiety, just filmed from different angles and locations.

What happened to the sugar plumb fairy? While bad dreams can make for a bad day, try months of them since the storm hit. What started out as being a bit tired has become intense pain. Everyone's pain seems to be different. Mine is in my upper back between my shoulder blades. Some days it is slight, others it feels like two rail road ties have been hammered into either side of my spine.

My fiance's pain is all over. In her sleep, her dreams cause her to clench her muscles as she actively holds the tension which is playing out behind her eyelids. She has been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. She is physically exhausting herself through her sleep and her muscles and tendons are all painful. Her pain was so intense that it was regularly bringing her to tears before the doctors began medicating her sleep.

Will things ever get back to normal? We had a really bad rain storm the other weekend which started with a flash flood warning coming up on the local news channel and then our satellite signal was lost. The rain was coming down so hard, it started coming in through the ceiling in different rooms and even an A/C vent. As thunder struck near our house, it sent us back into our fears from the storm. What should have been a peaceful night sleeping with rain outside was filled with nightmares about flooding and the panic of trying to evacuate but not being able to communicate with anyone.

I realized our anxiety levels are high right now as we still own a house in New Orleans and there is another storm season coming. Yes, we are safe in Texas but we feel alone here. If you didn't go through it, you don't get it. Our anxiety has been like Formosan termites tunneling away within us. We realize we need to take care of ourselves but there is only so much we can control. We can't stop dreaming. We can't change what happened. All we can try and do is keep going and hope that in time, the dreams will fade but until then, we will keep talking about them and try to work through our anxiety. Relief from the pain only seems to come through moving on while trying to make sense of the feelings and dreams we have.
(photo credit: Ernest Svenson http://www.ernietheattorney.net)

You just don't get it.

I really believe that self awareness and transference are two extremely vital pieces to being a successful therapist. I also think it's important to note that being a successful therapist means admitting there is a lot you don't know.

After katrina hit, it really sent me into a long period of deep reflection... one which i am still in... but as I reflect on things, I can't tell you how much it has meant to those of us going through it that we are not alone and that our pain is okay. For many this meant talking to friends, family, or reading about the stories of others who have been affected.

To better understand this, let me give you a glimpse into my world:
My fiance' and I have moved 5 times since the thing hit and are preparing for our 6th to Austin. Of course that does not include multiple trips back home to repair our house, move, and help others in our family do the same.

We are sick of living in unfamiliar places, with unfamiliar faces, insurance companies, big bureaucracy, the government or lack there of, most news channels, funerals, and crime in dallas and at home, but we are fighting on.

We are tired of saying where we are from because of the lack of understanding from others. Whether you look in their eyes or hear it in their voice, you hear it. Either people don't really care or they don't know what to say and are uncomfortable. I too am tired of people trying to act like everything is okay because it's not and that's okay too. Why can't people understand that? If you encounter people with PTSD, please, just listen to them and accept their pain.

Since I am going into counseling, decided I should heed my own advice and go seek out a therapist upon moving to Dallas. After several months of not being able sleep and/or restless sleep, and tons of knotted muscles in my back, I thought it might help. I opened by telling this guy about my background and things since the storm. He proceeded to stand up and start illustrating a diagram on his white board of his theory on post traumatic stress (mental note to self, never ever use a white board while with a client). I felt tears well up behind my eyes because I wanted so bad to connect with someone that would understand. As his marker squeaked away, I felt the familiar distance between myself and the outside world grow.

Eventually, I did find a good therapist who understood my pain and she helped me to set it free through increased understanding. She listened to what I said and what I didn't say. She got me to pay attention to my dreams where Katrina and crew were performing nightly.

Truly going into this darkness and despair is part of the treatment to get out of it. You will find that people who have been through the PTSD may become avoidant of any kind of pain or sadness... like sad movies for instance. These things may also be the very things they need to see to help them cry and get better.

PTSD and similar life threatening events will make you question the meaning of your life. Are you choosing your fate or has your fate chosen you? Have you become who you want to be? What do you want to be? Do you love your fate and if not, what are you going to do about it? Sadly, this may also be one of the reasons behind high the suicides after the storm. Personally, I believe these events made my life have meaning as it pushed my self understanding deeper and I think that is the hope for anyone going through this process. Please, if you work with these people, please if you don't feel compassion, be aware of that and don't work with them. If you do work with them, let them unfold in front of you. There is so much pain that will come out and they will need your support to get through it all. You don't have to be cheery or upbeat, just being there and helping them to explore and validate their pain is huge.

(photo credit: chris george)