dream 1/16

i was going somewhere but there was a house and a gate blocking my path. i have a key that was for this place from my cousin. it was a sorority meeting house. it was an old key. i open the door and see an ex-girlfriend, her mother, and sister. they were cooking breakfast and had been in town for mardi gras or some sort of party. they offered me some of the cooking pancakes. i was supposed to flip the pancakes. i looked at the pancakes and they turned into a clear silicone like fluid. they were ruined. i see a pair of glasses on the counter. they look like mine but they are a female design. they are the same designer though. i try them on and can't see well at all. i talk with my ex and she was doing well. her mother misses me and wants for me to get back with her daughter. i do not feel compelled towards her daughter but i enjoy her mothers warmth. i realize it is time to leave.

i see a girl i have known all my life. my neighbor parish who i have been through a lot with. she has had many hardships in life from her family. she is telling me of another. she is attempting to show me through bridging her memories or through a camera. her brother seduced her to have sex. i could see pieces of the footage but i didn't want to see all of it. i knew it was wrong and made me feel sick. i see him bringing flowers and gifts to support her demise. how could he do such a thing? i could see her brothers feet, hear his voice, but never saw his face. i see images of his naked body and hers. as natural as the bodys look, i knew what was going on was wrong. my footage does not see faces, i don't want to see the pain. i just see the bodies but no sex is occurring yet. i leave.

i am on a boat in a river with soup, beer, coca-cola, and friends. the river water is brown and all trees surrounding us look dead. i am with an old group of friends with one in particular who is very controlling. all the rest always follow suit. they are some what irresponsible and i don't like this. we are drifting in the current towards something i believe to be dangerous. the soundings show the water is deep, very deep, but i feel there is something bad in a unexpected shallow ahead and we are going towards a large pile of dead trees. i take the controls and jerk the boat out of it's course and reverse hard. i put us on course back for the dock. i look at the soundings and realize the water is unexpectedly deep. i see bubbles come up from somewhere deep in the water. i see a strange fish jump out of the water, like none i have ever seen before. it looks ancient this scares me. i realize i need stuff from the dock store. i talk about plans of going places. i look at my watch, 3:30. i realize i am late for an appointment with my counselor. how could i do this yet again? i have to cancel the plans for everyone and i dissappoint the controlling one. i don't care. how could i be late again? why do i waste my time with these people?

dream interpretation

since moving from austin, ptsd has hit me in a major way. i have had dreams filled with anxiety, hurricanes, and strange places. i started having anxiety about being able to go to sleep but have been able to sleep well lately. the dreams are still anxiety producing but at least i can sleep.

after reflecting about my dreams, i realized that i have really been a bit scared of going to sleep. i didn't want to go into the abyss of scary stuff below. i have been fighting it. after thinking about it like beitman's (sp?) abyss. in class it was explained to us as this huge hole that people will try and hold on to either side of so they don't fall down in it. i realized i needed to let myself dream so i may too fall down in it and truly deal with it.

dream 1/15: going back to school

i had a dream last night that i was back in school but it was k-12. the school had been terribly flooded but completely repaired. everything was computerized and doors would open upon touch for me and lights would automatically come on. ceilings are sky blue. the lights look cheap and fake. i don't like it and feel a bit trapped. i see a teacher and they question why i have been away so long. i try to find my old locker but can't. everything is different. i see a teacher and she is familiar. the first familiar face. she comes on to me or i come on to her. she wants to have sex but it is odd. she seems to have a combination of a vagina and penis or maybe it is a penis. her thing begins to envelope my penis. it feels okay but is really odd to me. i look back at her and she is still the same teacher i know.

recent dreams

my dreams are filled with anxiety. we are fleeing a storm. it continues to track me down in dreams.

1) i am on an platform. the waters are getting rough. a storm is coming. everything is grey. others don't seem as anxious as i am. why don't they leave. someone gets injured. everyone is trying to help him. he injured his eye and needs immediate surgery or care. i try to get everyone to come with me so we can find help. i leave. people don't seem to notice and they won't come. it is almost as if i am not there. i see marsh roads and i am driving on them. i am on open highway. it is desolate. i am the only car on the road and all is grey. why don't the others come? i go back to try and get them but they don't seem to hear me. (i think the person who was injured was me. my conscious was a ghost)

2) i am in a warehouse with many stairs. walls are temporary. there are dogs here and one wants me to throw it a ball. i know people here but everything is unfamiliar. (can't remember) i am in a temporary house. it is my home. it feels very cheap. it has panel walls and iron railings. a child is playing with micromachines on the floor.

3) i had 3 dreams of hurricanes coming this night. the last dream we were all trying to flee and take everything with us. we were loading cars and stuff into a gigantic 18 wheeler of sorts. we drove and went into a cave. the hurricane gained on us and flooded everything but it immediately became ice. we could not drive on the ice. we were stuck in an ice filled cave.

4) i see a familiar place. it is my old counseling center. i go inside. everything is the same but i don't know anyone here. everything is unfamiliar. i want to connect but no one knows me. i walk out into a courtyard to leave. i glance back and see someone. they look slightly familiar. i look again and they recognize me too. their face breaks into a smile and i feel warm. i go to them and hold that warmth next to me. i start to make out with them. i feel the passion of familiarity and have missed it so. i am kissing them all over and want to make love.

5) (right after storm) i am in my house. the ceilings are all bowed and filled with water. they feel like they might break and they almost seem elastic. they are like the underbelly of a whale.