the rain continues, but dissipates

i started to blog yesterday on the benefits of being depressed. i was thinking about how you notice the loneliness and all that is intentionally missing in sad music. how it swims through your veins and touches you in a way that only someone who knows your pain can. however, today is a down day for me and i am not so sure of those good things. like every day after the storm, it doesn't just end with the lights turning off. my dreams are filled with anxiety, death, unfamiliar places, longing, places i can barely still fit, and the storm still goes on. as i think about these dreams it makes me sad because i had forgotten them shortly after waking.

research and theory tells me that the dreams i am having are good because they indicate the transition in my life. they show the death of my old life and the birth of my new one. i need to keep work towards making things happen in my new life in texas. i guess i need to figure out a way to step up and take more control of my life.

reflections on buddhism and psychoanalysis

"However, I wanted to ask your opinion about something in your post. I often struggle with existentialism's claim that we are "inexorably alone" and that the attachment-separation is a major developmental task. I struggle with this because I feel that all growth occurs within the context of emotional connections, not separate from them. "

You have some great questions and I hope I can give an equally good answer. I am certainly not an expert as I am too in search of answers.

Interpersonal relations are important for even the Buddhist have teachers. However, the goal of psychoanalysis and Buddhism alike is to look within ourselves to understand our own meaning and to create our own meaning. Communication with others helps us to help ourselves.

"I think of your earlier post where you mentioned all the bubbles that people live in. I liked that by the way the ipod bubble, the bmw bubble, etc. Is the goal of existential enlightenment or awareness to accept this seperation, to cultivate it?"

my position on the bubbles was to show the disconnection from each other but most importantly from themselves. People have become avoidant and look for distractions. Instead of looking within themselves to try to find happiness, people look to things to bring happiness. It almost reminds me of a wrinkle in time where people accept the views of others as their own with little or no thought of their own. My hope is that others may too awaken and have greater awareness.

"Independence is often seen as the developmental holy grail but I disagree. Being independent is often seen as not needing others, not feeling a sense of contigency from others...which to me sounds slightly pathological because humans are social creatures. If it is true that independence is our goal, then what of the idea that our sense of self is enhanced through feeling more related to others, not threatened by wanting and needing interactions. I agree more with relational theory which claims that interdependence is the goal, achieving productive interdependence is the major developmental task. What is your opinion on this?"

Independence in thought does not mean a life in physical or mental isolation. "insight is the key to liberation. We must comprehend the way things are to such a depth as to affect the very core of our being". In this quote by the Dalai Lama, he encourages that we make specific time for daily meditation even if it is very brief. By so doing we get in touch with the subtle nature of our souls and recognize this gift of life. If meditation evokes a deep meaning/or spiritual lesson within us, then this meaning or compassion can be shared with others. My thinking is that an independent mind helps to make us realize our connection to one another and to have greater compassion for one another.

Do I look fat?

i believe that interpersonal relationships help people to know themselves better. we reveal ourselves, to ourselves, through other people. i think people are attracted to things in other people they see as a reflection of themselves, or what they would like to be. i think it is most important to look deeply within oneself for their own meaning. i believe this to be a vital piece of therapy if not the most vital piece.

it seems so much of american society is finding meaning from the messages society/media dictates to them... ie- i am too fat, i should look this way, go these places, drive this car, success looks like this, etc. all of this has influenced my belief how far out of touch american society is with one another.

the next time you are driving, look around you. you will see people in little bubbles. mercedes bubbles, cell phone bubbles, ipod bubbles, etc. people have become so isolated from each other and from themselves. i realize everyone is looking for meaning but it is worrisome to me because meaning is being commercialized, not individualized.

after the hurricane hit and much of my home town was devastated, it really reset things. having no power, little gasoline, no noise from cars, planes, air conditioners, cell phones, etc. it really made you realize the little things... the warmth of a smile, how we are all ultimately alone but the value of those that care for us, how many people are suffering in the world, how disconnected we all are, how much it means to have someone truly be there for you when you are in need, and most importantly, the value of those that are genuine. (photo credit: chris george)

HIV prejudice?

HIV is a scary thing. I was talking with a gay friend about his experience with AIDS in the early 80's. I was young then, so the scary things about the disease did not really affect me. His partner died of AIDS and he cared for him till he passed. At the time, he lived in NYC and these seemingly healthy good looking men would contract the disease and in no time become extremely gaunt and sickly looking. People were trying anything they could to stop the disease. There were many "holostic treatments" that involved awful things like drinking your own urine. No one knew what to do and the disease was so awful and scary. Can you imagine watching the person you loved die right in front of you and science has no answer?

HIV is a scary thing but I am not prejudiced against it. I have been tested for AIDS but mostly been careful in my own sexual encounters. I understand not everyone is so lucky. I think that HIV awareness should be raised so people remember to have safe sex and to get tested. Most people seem to be careful but there is always that one time a condom breaks or that you don't have or forget to use a condom. Anal sex has become a growing fad in high school kids who think they can't get pregnant this way and it is safer. This is also very scary.

I know a number of musicians who do not always practice safe sex and they are scared of learning they have HIV. They would rather not know than live with the understanding that they are going to die. While I understand their mentality, I do not think it is right. I do not think it is fair for their own ignorance to be the reason they infect others. That is my personal belief. However, I do not pass judgement on them and I am not hesitant about any kind of contact.

My brother-in-law is a doctor and many medical professionals are at risk to HIV because of accidental puncture. He is careful but it can happen to anyone and accepts this risk because he loves what he does.

My mentality on HIV is that we are all in this together and we need to work to educate people to help prevent spreading the disease and we nee to be there for those that are diagnosed and need help. In reality, we are all going to die at some time, why be afraid to help those who need our help now?

what's your makeup? (respectful model project)

Here's my self-analysis according to the Respectful model:

Religious/spiritual identity -- i think i am different from most in this area. i was raised catholic but i have become agnostic. i believe that man created god out of ignorance and has also destroyed god through science. i believe there are many things we can't explain. i do believe in the presence of the supernatural in the world and soul and spirit. my religious beliefs have lead to be buddhism to and my theory of counseling is clearly slanted towards existentialism. i strongly believe that life has meaning and each person must find that meaning within themselves and i respect that.


Economic class/background -- I am from a middle to upper class upbringing. Education has always been the most important thing in my family background. On my mom's side, I am the 9th generation from Louisiana and they are one of the oldest families in America (members of the colonial danes: ie- they were on the mayflower). My fathers family is from the northeast and they are all of german and irish descent and they came to america in the 1800's. Everyone in my family works hard.

Sexual identity -- I'm hetereosexual and I have homosexual friends too. I have no problems with homosexuality as I don't believe it to be a choice. I think people are just wired differently and I respect that. I think it absurd that gay marriage is such a hot button issue. I believe that any two people that love each other should be able to marry one another. I believe that being happy and doing whatever it is that gives you meaning to be of the most paramount importance.

Psychological maturity -- I turn 30 in a few months and I think I have experienced a lot for someone my age: suicide/death, divorce, the hurricane, love, pain, suffering, joy, risk, reward, happiness, hating what you do, and loving what you do. all of it has been a meaning quest to me which has been and still is deeply fulfilling.

Ethnic/racial identity -- I'm caucasian and I have a culturally diverse group of friends. Growing up in New Orleans, you can be insulated somewhat from other races if you go to private school. My father speaks many languages and my parents are pretty open minded. In college I grew to have a number of hispanic, asian, arabic, and african american friends. New Orleans is a hot bed for racial identity because of the difference between the white and black cultures there and I can talk about this more later but it was interesting for me to move back from California and to experience another side of life in New Orleans and volunteer with nonprofits and in the music industry. The one thing I have come to realize is how little I still know but I am not afraid to ask questions.

Chronological/developmental challenges -- none

Trauma or threats to well-being -- i had friends that in high school that committed suicide, had substance problems, were raped, and had eating disorders. All of this helped sculpt my world view. I realized that things aren't always what they seem and to realize you can't help everybody. Suffering is part of life and it helps you become who you are. My parents seperated while I was in high school and it caused me a lot of pain to question my identity at a tough time in development. Although it was painful, I really think that it helped me to become a more sensitive and stronger person.

Family background -- i have a pretty strong but distant (geographically) family. everyone is pretty successful and only one uncle has gotten divorced and remarried. my grandmothers are both tough and one made it through the depression with 3 kids, one with polio.

Unique physical characteristics -- none

Location of residence and language differences -- I live in dallas now and I speak French and English. I wish I had taken Spanish. I plan on taking classes later in life.